Today, January 30, is an anniversary for me.

It's been 10 years since I broke up with my abuser, kicked him out for good, and finally started choosing myself. 

It only took him a day to find a new apartment, yet 2 days later, he tried to spend the night on my couch. When I told him to leave, he threw me into a wall and gave me a massive concussion. I would not begin to recover from the brain damage for 6 months. 

It was at least the fourth time I had called the police on him, and the only time I ever wrote a victim statement. He would be arrested and given a Delayed Acceptance of a Guilty Plea (DAGP), which would drop the felony battery charges against him if he just behaved himself. 

But he couldn't. Later that year, he did it again to another woman who also ended up in the hospital with injuries.

He was convicted with the felony and sentenced to jail time.

The punishment?

12 days. TWELVE days, for 3 years of the hell he put me through. 12 days on a program which allowed him to drive himself to work, for which they packed him two meals a day.

His complaint?

“I’ve never been so bored in my life”

What I wouldn’t have given to have been BORED for 12 days straight!!

My life then, and for the next several years, would be pure chaos. 

I had been gaslit and manipulated by a violent, racist, homophobic, generally bigoted narcissist. I don’t even recognize the dramatic, narrow-minded, and even at one point, slut-shaming person I was. I just attracted the chaos. 

That is NOT the Jamie that I know. 

 He had duped me from the beginning – because I originally knew my values, what I stood for, and also that we were “crazy” in love… so I sat him down.

I shared what I cared about (BLM, LGBTQIA+, pro-choice, women’s lib, etc) and he looked me in the eyes and said he agreed with me, that we were perfectly aligned.

He stood and still stands for literally the opposite of all that.

Do not be fooled, relationships do not “become abusive”. There isn’t suddenly a motive to brainwash, gaslight, manipulate, control, and harm. Abusers TARGET their marks and pretend to be whoever they must in order to gain initial trust. 

I understand NOW how I didn’t “fall for” anything, I believed what was before my eyes, not realizing it was a façade. I believed it until I couldn’t believe anything anymore--  until he had played with my emotions, destroyed my trust in myself, and dissolved any sense of self worth to the point where I was dependent on the belief that he, who regularly hurt me then blamed me for it, could possibly love me.

And so, on January 30, 2016, it was finally verbalized:

“You never loved me, did you. Just admit it”

For the first time in 3 years, I trusted what he said: 

“No, I never did. I think I just wanted to spite my ex by being with you”

I was a tool to him… a toy. Nothing more than a worthless punching bag to be discarded after too much wear.

*to HIM*

To ME?

Goddammit, I deserved better.

While we went through the legal custody process, he tried everything to try and apologize and win me back. I had so deeply trauma-bonded with him that I actually missed him and considered accepting him again (the thought today makes me sick), but one fundamental thought kept me afloat:

I could be 10 years down the road, exactly here. Miserable. Smaller. Living in constant fear and stress.

Or I could take the gamble of doing the thing everyone warns you not to do…

Staying looks “easier”... Easier than the relentless exhaustion of single motherhood. Easier than doing everything alone. Easier than being overworked, underpaid, and invisible.

I chose the harder road because staying would have cost me my life in slow, quiet ways, and because my daughter deserved a mother who was alive, not just enduring.

Here we are, 10 years down the road. 

In my tiny nook of the world, things are beautiful. I am privileged to be safe and stable with my family amidst everything going on outside.

I am safe, sound, and calm in love.  I am beyond grateful to now have 2 incredible daughters who keep that fire lit inside me to ALWAYS recognize my worth, and never diminish myself again. For anyone.